Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
BRING THE BAGELS
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
