Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Randomize
