whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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