She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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