I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
