this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
