Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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