Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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