Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
