I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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