I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
