that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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