you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
