got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
