Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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