if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My vagina just recognized that song.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
