I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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