Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
