4 words: hood of his car
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
