I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
