I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am midnight drunk by noon
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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