how hairy? two words: wookie tits
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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