Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
