I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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