I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
