So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
