you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
