I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
