I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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