every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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