So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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