You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
