I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
