Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
The maid of honor just puked.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I sprained my soul last night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize