I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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