i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
