i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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