were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
