I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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