Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
