I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
