I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
