Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
