I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
