Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
