you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
