woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
