we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
