he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize