you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Are my feet made of real feet?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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