she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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