I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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