I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
