so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
