I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
