After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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