if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
