I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
