two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
