I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
