pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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